Blog.

Dedicated to The Best Brother

Monday 30th March 2026 9:43 PM

I’m hormonal and emotional and somehow Nivreh decided the best timing was to send me something sweet while he’s literally driving back to KL from Penang like I’m supposed to just sit here and not feel anything. I don’t even know how long this is going to be, but clearly I’ve lost control of my own thoughts a little.

When I first met Nivreh, I didn’t think anything would come out of it. Just another person in passing that my life would forget without hesitation. But somehow, quietly and without warning, he stayed. It’s only been a year, which feels so small on paper, but what he’s done to my life in that short time is something that people I’ve known for over a decade never managed to do.

For most of my life, I’ve felt this deep, quiet kind of loneliness that doesn’t really look like anything from the outside. I had friends, sure, but I was never fully myself around them. There was always this version of me that I had to put on, a version that felt safer, more acceptable but less real. It got exhausting pretending to be someone I wasn’t just to belong. And being an only child made it worse in a way I never really talk about. I always wanted a sibling, someone who felt like home by default, someone I didn’t have to earn a place with. It was something I knew I couldn’t have, so I just learned to live with that quiet kind of longing.

Even when I did form connections with my ex step-siblings, like with Jerry, Jerome, and Jizzy, and I do love them so much, there was always this underlying feeling that something wasn’t fully there. Like the closeness existed, but not in the way I had always imagined. It never felt completely natural, like I was still holding a part of myself back without even meaning to.

But with Nivreh, something shifted. Slowly, without me even realising when it started happening, I began to feel… safe in the kind of way where you don’t feel the need to perform anymore. I could just exist as I am, without filtering every thought or carefully shaping every reaction. I didn’t have to be someone else to be accepted.

And that kind of comfort is terrifying in its own way, because it makes you realise how much you’ve been holding in for so long. With him, I can say the things I’ve never said out loud to anyone else. I can trust that he’ll listen, that he won’t use it against me, that he’ll just… be there. Even if he responds by making fun of me with his sarcastic little comments, because of course he would. But even that feels safe, because it’s honest. It’s real.

It’s strange how someone can come into your life so unexpectedly and start filling spaces you didn’t even know were empty. And now that he’s here, I don’t think I can imagine going back to the way things were before him.

I love Nivreh a lot, and it’s not something I say lightly. He really matters to me, and I don’t think I can put into simple words how much I care about him. If someone hurts him, I take it personally because that’s my brother, and I don’t think anyone gets to treat him like he’s anything less than important.

I don’t think people realise how protective I feel over him. If I ever saw him cry, I genuinely don’t think I’d know how to handle it. I’d probably panic, get jittery, and feel like everything is falling apart at once. Because seeing him hurt would hurt me too, and I wouldn’t just be okay and brush it off. It would stay with me.

Even though I’m younger than him, and it’s barely even a difference (though he would argue the opposite), I still feel like I’d do anything to protect him. If someone ever hurt him, I wouldn’t care about anything else in that moment. I’d step in because he doesn’t deserve to be treated badly, not by anyone.

He’s one of the most important people in my life, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this strongly about someone in such a genuine, real way. I just want him to be okay, always. I want him to be happy, safe, and never feel like he’s alone. And I’ll always be here, because he matters to me more than I think I even know how to explain.

It annoys me more than I like admitting when people go, “you’re so close to him, you must like him.” because that’s just not what this is. Not even close. What I have with Nivreh isn’t some “guy best friend” situation or something people can easily label and move on from. He’s not just a friend I hang out with or text. He’s genuinely family to me in a way that goes deeper than blood ever could.

Out of my entire family, all 47 cousins and all the aunts and uncles I’ve grown up around, there are only two people who actually know me properly. Nivreh is one of them. He’s seen the parts of me that I don’t show to anyone else, the parts I don’t even fully understand sometimes. That kind of understanding isn’t something you just call “a friend” and move on. It’s something built over trust, time, and a level of honesty that most people never even reach.

So when people try to reduce it to something it’s not, it feels a bit dismissive, like they’re missing the entire point. Because what we have is real to me. It’s stable, it’s safe, and it’s one of the few things in my life that I don’t question.

Even though Nivreh and I aren’t related by blood, I will always say he’s my brother. Not as a figure of speech and not for the sake of convenience, but because that’s genuinely what he is to me.

Every day I pray I never lose him, because the thought of that kind of loss sits in a place I don’t even want to understand. Not speaking to him for even a day feels wrong, like something important would be missing from me. I can’t picture a life where he isn’t in it, and honestly I don’t want to. I look up to Nivreh SO much. His love for God and the fact that he is always running after God is such an inspiration.

I’ve been scared about moving overseas for my education, worried it might pull us apart or change what we have. But no distance is strong enough to undo what he means to me. If anything, it just makes me hold onto this bond a little more carefully.

No matter where life takes us, I will always be on his side, quietly rooting for him, celebrating his wins, and hoping he becomes everything he’s meant to be. Because having him in my life is something I will never take for granted.

If I could, I’d give Nivreh the biggest hug. But he’d probably make fun of me for being short after, so I won’t….